Anonymous thoughts

I haven't blogged in ages,partly coz work is a draining any bit of creativity that i might have left,but also partly because i feel i have to blog when i have some epic story to share.

but figured what the heck let me just type whatever is in my head and see where if it will make a good read.

About a month ago i moved out of my parents house to my own swanky crib,which i share with a friend of mine.At first i felt like a fish out of the sea,but right now would yawn at the idea of going back to my parents'.The bachelor life is fun,with all the junk fast foods for supper and works.

I now don't have to worry about where to rendezvous with my numerous girlfriends as i have upgraded from cranky single-bed dingy lodges to my own double bed mazongoto(But those details are not to be published on this forum)

Many of the females are now asking if am willing to throw for them a "One-on-one house warming" for them.Its amazing how girls look at me different when I tell them that I have my own crib; they look at me as if I have all of a sudden developed gigantic balls - or something.I will have to buy bigger boxers that will accommodate them

Part 4

She danced slowly and sensually. For some reason she always liked dancing beneath the disco ball. Guess so that it would illuminate her light smooth skin that always contrasted the dark outfits that she wore(I swear you could pour milk on her skin and it would come out white on the other side ) She liked dancing solo, throwing her hands gently in the air – in the manner of her Rwandese tradition dance. And if u were lucky enough to have her dance with you, when the time came for her to “drop it like its hot”, she would twist and turn like a leaf dropping gently from a tree; feeling her own body as she rubbed against yours. Am telling you, she made dirty dancing look angelic.

Damn! And here I was watching her pleasuring Mike on the dance floor. She very well knew how much I liked it whenever she did to me what she was now doing to Mike a few meters away from me.

At this moment I so needed a distraction, some nymph to come and bump and grind with to halt my boiling envy at the spectacle in front of me. The only nymph that I could think of at the time was Smirnoff. She was always ready to meet my twisted caprices. Well, sadly when I her to my mouth I only sucked on air. My tongue licked the inner brim to confirm no contents….

“What the…?”

I needed a joint to tranquilize my nerves. So I turned to Pierre, whom I had entrusted with my stash- BIG MISTAKE.

“Pierre, Pierre”, I called out. I turned round to behold big red eyes staring back at me…

“Gwe dude, told you to keep the weed, not to smoke all of it. Hope that you have some left for me?”

He smiled sheepishly and I knew the bugger had smoked it all.

“I just couldn’t resist man”, Pierre blurred out.

“Your brain cells are going to get fried one of these days man.”

I badly needed a testosterone rush. And when I saw the girl who had sat on my lap earlier (check Part 2) chatting with one of the UFASD girls (United Front Against Soft Drinks (check part 1)); I smelt opportunity screaming out to me,

“Come get me Baby, if you have the balls”.

“No one insults my manhood and gets away with it”, I thought to myself

So I got some mint out of my pocket and stuffed it in my mouth. Then I swung my way swaggerliscious self over to their table…

(TO BE CONTINUED)

INTERLUDE

Am of the view that exes can’t be, shouldn’t and don’t have to be friends.
Its loads of elephant dung if u asked me (I know u didn’t ask me, but who frags?)

The dic defines ex as;
Adjective
1. out of fashion
Noun
2. term to define someone’s former, partner, lover...blablabla!

But in IT lingual it’s closest to the “.exe” filename extension which means EXECUTABLE.

The fore runners of IT dem days related this to ex’s, coz all ex’s can be and should be EXECUTED.Implying that, for all I care u can execute the good for nothing whoring bitch. You could take her to the guillotine and behead the sucker and I would not even flinch an inch (I just rhymed).

Actually I would gladly hold the basket into which the head is to roll. I would savour every drop of blood that would splash onto my face as a result, and I wouldnt wash it off for days. I would tell everyone who cared to listen (even if u didn’t care to listen I would force it down your thick ear drums) the reason for my blood stained face.

“This is the blood of the executable. She thought she had the last laugh, but now her blood sinks ever so quickly into the soil, right into the chambers of Jezebel’s Hades from whence gazillions of other blood sucking nymphs are bred”.

And for emphasis don’t forget to swirl up some nasty mucus-ish saliva and spitting on the ground right next to the listener’s foot. Trust me, he will get the point.

And catch this, when I do decide to wash off the filth, I will drink the water I have used. I’ll then get onto a bus to her ancestral home with my heavy laden bladder and then piss all over the ex’s white washed grave stone while shouting
“R.I.P….Rest In my Piss”

BWAHAHA! BWAHAHA! BWAHAHA! (Evil laugh)

I know, its such a sweet send off, you don’t have to tell me…


By-the-way, don’t get me twisted, I loved all my 6½ exes, thanks to them I lost my mother given innocence in dark alleys, amidst bushes and hedges, behind big scary trees, dingy store rooms and smelly toilets(am getting nostalgic), not to mention in their father’s houses-those witches. And all of them have contributed to creating this awesome, kickass son of a gun, whose blog u so love…

Anyway, am of the view that exes can only be friends if

1. The loser who was dumped gets someone way better than the ex. This makes the dumpee get over her quickly. He would be friends with the dumper just to spite her, and without words taunt her,“I was doing you a bloody favour, but all along I could do better”

2. If both get someone not as good as the ex. That way both end up losers, a stalemate of sorts, a 0-0 score line…pathetic

3. Last but not least, if the ex gets knocked by a boda boda and gets a limp amputated. There human empathy would kick in. Note; If knocked by 2009 Merc or BMW it doesn’t count, coz in most cases the driver will most probably be able to afford the bill in a fancy hospital with doctors and nurses way cooler than the dumpee, which is just down right unfair.

Apart from these reasons, ex’s should never, EVER be friends, If you as much as smile at your ex, I will come at you like the evil monkey in Chris Griffin’s closet (Family Guy) and shove something nasty up that thing your sitting on….

part 3

This is highly inaccurate info coz I was under semi-influence of the drink that Russian’s are weaned on, Vodka..

As Pierre rumbled on and on about how the gal who had promised her “some” had a fine body to die for; an ample bossom,hour glass figure, hips like the moon’s curvature that would even make the Pope look twice….Blab la bla!, a lass gracefully entered the room. Actually graceful was an understatement, she literally glided into the room as if being carried by the wind. I immediately sobered up to behold this nice piece of……(fill in anything u have stood in awe of).As she neared my optical “snipping” range my mouth (which had been so widely open it could have taken in a bus) closed as I recognised who it was. To Pierre’s amusement I immediately ducked behind him so that the lady didn’t see me
.

“Dude what is the matter with you?” Pierre bewilderedly asked

“For the sake of all that’s under the sun, don’t dare move an inch” I replied..
(I will skip this part coz it was rather embarrassing as the damsel had already seen me and heading straight to where we were)

Anyway the zib was that I had had a brief thing with this chick. I had told her that am not a party/night person and a tee taller; yet here I was, semi-drank in the middle of the night. I had dumped her with the excuse with the lame excuse that her everyday nocturnal activities made me insecure, and that we were totally different people.

However, the truth was that despite her good looks she had nothing else going for her. I would have endured if she was a blonde, but she is just plain downright daft; having a conversation with her tantamount to UTTER boredom, it was a torturous affair to say the least.
But let me not take the shine away from her coz she is a sight to be behold, she is a head-turner, a show stopper, traffic jam causer and she basks in the glory.. Man she was, she is, and shall always be FINE (till she pops some equally daft kids of course).

The flip side of having her by my side was that I became more popular with the boys, who wanted to know how I hooked her. And it also led to more gals wanting me; they must have thought that I must have something special going since I had beautiful damsel by my side...DUH! (have never understood gals psyche setup).
It was a match made in heaven, if it hadn’t been for her rather “minute” flaw; I had the brains, she the looks; I had the charm, she the elegance….SIGH!! it saddens me to this day, such looks all washed down the filthy drain of mental underdevelopment.


“Hey Njagala Philip” she called out, “Why are u hiding from me?”

“Hey Chantal how are you doing?”, I replied as I waved my wallet “Was just picking up my wallet that had fallen from my pocket”

“Thought you didn’t drink or stay out late”

“You are alluding to an illusion my dear”,I responded

“Huh! what you mean? You still use your fancy words I notice”

And then she took a pause, crossed her arms,and shifted her weight to one leg to try and figure out what I had meant.(since when did people strike a pause to think?)
She gave up after 2seconds and introduced some pot bellied fellow who had followed her and was now hovering over her like a vulture.

“This is Mike,a very good friend of mine;Mike meet Piere”

She didn’t bother introducing Mike to me coz I already knew who he was
Pierre shook Mike’s hand, but I had quickly occupied my one hand with a bottle and the other with my wallet so as not to shake Mike’s hand and just nodded lazily in his direction, leaving his hand in mid air….
See I and Mike had a history which started off when….

(TO BE CONTINUED SOON)